grace obsessed

I have been dragging my feet on this, probably my most significant post thus far.

Scrupulosity sounds like a made-up word. Like the kind of thing my daughter says when she adds a new word to her secret language. And I assure you I never heard of it in my entire life until my OCD specialist said I have it. But to be honest with you, I had never before and never since felt like someone had absolutely nailed my suffering. Put a word to what I feel every day, every minute. It was at once a huge relief to feel seen and understood and a huge burden to wonder how I’ll ever crawl out from under it.

A deep fear of doing something morally or spiritually “wrong.” A constant concern that the way you handle even the smallest of decisions will have life-altering consequences, that the moral dilemma you face, if handled in the “wrong” way, will forever separate you from God. Scrupulosity is nasty. I say nasty becomes it bombards the mind with intrusive thoughts that are nothing more than ugly lies.

I mentioned in an earlier post, alluding to, but not specifically referencing scrupulosity, how I have difficulty believing that what I know God will forgive in anyone else, cannot be forgiven in me. I go too far. I’m too “bad.” The nasty lies scrupulosity will bind you to steal peace. They steal freedom. They have stolen mine.

The first thing I asked my specialist was as you might expect: “What is that?” As he began to describe it to me, it made all the sense in the world. He was describing the exact same internal struggles I face on a daily, sometimes moment by moment, basis. What I find, though, is that unless I share with you some of the exact thoughts that I experience, it’s hard to get the full picture. So, I’m going to do that.

On prayer and perfectionism: Was my prayer good enough? Did I say the right words? Did I spend enough time? Did I remember everyone? Did I thank God for His goodness before I started asking for His help? The ever-answer to each of these, in my mind, is no.

On fear of damnation: What if I forget to ask for forgiveness for something and that thing keeps me out of heaven? What if the thoughts I never act on cause me to lose heaven? What if I’m not good enough to go to heaven? What if God tells me my name is not written in the Book? My persistent answer to each of these is to more easily believe in my damnation than in Christ’s saving grace.

The reason I’m choosing to share is not because I think most people or even many people suffer from scrupulosity. Not in the way that I do. But I do believe most everyone, even if not religious, has the tendency to question oneself. Intentions. Behaviors. All of that. What I know to be true about scrupulosity is this: When your faith becomes a source of constant torment, fear over whether you’re doing everything “right,” this is not from your Father. These are the lies of the devil. Intrusive thoughts are almost always contrary to your very nature. They prey on your vulnerability. It turns out, despite the fact that I like myself, gosh darn it, and I’m a pretty positive person, actually, my mental health condition makes me vulnerable.

Possibly the way I could explain this in the plainest sense is to say that when you have scrupulosity, salvation, the result of God’s perfect grace, never feels certain. And so because at the heart of every Christian is the desire to see God face to face, to know Him intimately, to please God, even, you obsess and ruminate over the quality of your relationship with your savior. You have tremendously high religious and moral standards. You know that you cannot possibly meet those standards. You feel doomed.

Here is what I have been focusing on, the most important piece of advice I could share, whether you experience this on a super small level or suffer under its weight continually: GOD LOVES YOU COMPLETELY. YOUR PEACE IN GOD IS NOT BASED ON YOUR FEELINGS. FEELINGS ARE NOT FACTS.

People with scrupulosity fear that their faith is never enough. That they are never enough. So, for tonight, I’ll end with this verse that blesses me when I am as low as I get. Mark 9:24 states, “Lord, I believe. Help my unbelief.”

Peace and love to you, and I will say more on this. But for now, I hope I said enough to begin to help both those who dally with scrupulosity and those who are drowning in it.